And then it ends. (Not the semester).

Things will never be the same again. (I’m pretty certain).

The life train moves on.

Bumpity bump bump bump.

Dripity drip drip drip.

Thinking about  change - how I’ve changed over the course of this year, and the course of my life. How I still seek change in my life and in my aspirations and in my personality.

Change me from the inside out. 

I’m tired of feeling inadequate, uninteresting, unworthy. I’m tired of feeling prideful, arrogant, self-righteous.

Help me to realize that change doesn’t start with what others tell me, or the ideas and beliefs they try and project on me. Help me to realize that true transformation comes from within, that authentic lasting change comes from a heart that actually believes for itself that sanctification is important. Help me to realize that compassion and love come not from me, but from something even bigger than myself.

Help me realize that I have a voice, and help me to use it.

Help me to discern and listen to the voice of others, and recognize that we have to embrace individuality and diversity while honoring tradition and discipline.

Change me from the inside out.

I need it. And in a way that is intimately personal to me.

Humility isn’t about trashing myself, or telling myself and others that what I’ve achieved is worth nothing. It’s about recognizing that the needs of others are greater than my own, especially at this point in my life when I am so blessed and privileged.

These past couple of days I got to relax from the semester for a little bit in the one of the best ways possible - by stressing out for a performance.

I really don’t know what I’d do without dance and music and writing and all things performing or creative in my life. Without beauty and inspiration, maybe I’d become a machine, a product of the equations and the lines of code I’ve written over the years, programmed by the diploma factory that is higher education these days. Without the relieving thrill of practice and show, perhaps I’d spiral into oblivion under the pressure I put on myself to succeed and make changes in my life and the lives of others. The arts aren’t just a hobby; they are a lifeline for a soul that sometimes gets entangled in stresses of the world and the shortcomings of the self. I don’t exaggerate when I say that creative expression is an escape for me, a revitalization, a way to temporarily distance myself from all the pressure, frustration, and pride in my life that sometimes I have such a hard time dealing with. It’s a supplement to the roller coaster of interactions I go through each and every day, a constant source of release for whatever feelings I have. Maybe artistic expression is a drug. Without it, I might just go crazy. Who knows? When I step on that stage, whether it’s for an audience of many or none but myself, all I can do is have fun. And thrive. Because in a way, this is what I live for.

First few weeks back, and things are going pretty well. Finally gotten the chance to catch up with a lot of the people I’ve been working with.

Sometimes the nicest moments I had were just sitting with people and doing normal things with them - cooking a healthy meal, chatting about politics, predicting who will win the super bowl, exchanging stories of the week. These moments can be so real, and sometimes it is these simple moments that I fall in love with even more than helping someone achieve a goal, acquire a skill, or learn something about the world.

I’m slowly learning to appreciate the things that other people give me, and appreciate the privilege I have to spend time with people who make me happy. 

I’m learning to give and take, and love both. And maybe, if I doubt less and appreciate more, they will eventually become indistinguishable.

The worst of religion is the worst I’ve ever seen. But the best of religion is also the best I’ve ever seen.